


night shift

by kingcowb0y



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: F/F, F/M, I didn't think Lilith's reaction seemed complete, and we didn't get to see how she dealt with roland's death, because jack deserved to die in a way worse than just being shot, here's lilith working through trauma for you all, oh yeah a little bit of bending canon, she didn't, side note of gay because, so I said fuck it, to maya's death, why the hell not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25807195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingcowb0y/pseuds/kingcowb0y
Summary: Lilith can't afford to break down in public. So she breaks down in her room, because honestly, she hasn't been dealing with any of her grief.
Relationships: Lilith/Patricia Tannis, Lilith/Roland (Borderlands)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	night shift

**Author's Note:**

> we literally never see lilith upset? she's a whole character and needs to grieve over people, dammit! so have some grieving :) this isn't really a happy work y'all

lilith staggers back to her room after the speech on the bridge of sanctuary three, and silently curses the name of calypso.

_ maya is dead _ , she realises, and it hits her, and then she’s there, suspended above the vault key, slag and power coursing through her.

_ roland is dead. _

_ okay. that’s fine, fine, fine, fine, fine _ . she can live through this.  _ right? right? jack died too. jack is dead, and angel is dead, and roland is dead _ .  _ roland is dead _ .  _ dead, dead, dead. everyone is dead. _

everyone dies, so why does it still hurt?

lilith cradles her head in her hands. the only man she had ever loved is gone, has been gone, and she didn’t get to carry him home and bury him like he deserved from that awful place because of what jack had done to her--

he deserved every ounce of pain he felt from her phasewalking through him. that’s how he deserved to die. in agony, like the agony she is still in, like the agony that will never leave her. 

the tears stream down her hands, hot and burning. the stab wounds in her side have long since healed (and healed over and over again--funny thing about eridium, as a siren. he just stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and she never bled. she wishes she had), but they hurt so much. the heat of the tears feels appropriate. 

_ i should be the one dead right now, not him _ , she says to herself, whispers it over and over as a mantra. like that would bring him back.  _ i should be dead. i should be dead. i should be dead. _ the tears flow over the cup of her hands, dripping down, down, down, onto the soft fur of her collar. staining and staining all the way down, and she thinks that’s what she gets, she thinks that those stains will never come out and she doesn’t care anymore.

part of her screams. she goes to punch at nothing, her hand sinking through the wall in front of her like it isn’t there. her marks glow bright yellow as she screams and pulls her hand back out of the wall, leaving another slight burn mark on the cool metal of her bedroom. 

how many times has she done this, punched the wall of this ship in years-old memories? the bottom of the wall is covered in scorch marks, fire from the firehawk. and roland is still gone. and maya too. and she pretended like it didn’t kill her, she pretended like she didn’t die with maya, like she didn’t die with sanctuary and with roland and with everyone else. like she didn’t die in new haven, all those years ago. she’s been dead, so why is she still crying?

why does it still hurt so bad? 

except, of course, it  _ can’t _ hurt  _ her _ . she can’t be hurt, she has people to lead. good people, who need someone to lead them; good people, who are hurting right now over the latest casualty. good people, who want to see troy and tyreen dead. dead, dead, dead; dead like jack died for the way he hurt lilith and brick and mordecai, dead for the way he left tina without a father, dead for the way he left lilith without a love. 

she knows, right now, that tannis is trying (and failing) to sooth ava. tannis has never been good at that, and lilith loves her anyway, but ava needs a mother, and tannis isn’t the right one.

lilith drags a tear-stained hand through her hair and tries to focus on maya, because this time it’s maya who’s died, not roland.  _ roland died a long time ago _ , she reminds herself. so she lets herself grieve for the daughter she never had, even though maya was only a few years younger.

lilith feels old. maya was so  _ bright _ in a way that lilith had lost after new haven; new haven has taken so many things from her. maya was like a daughter to her, or maybe a younger sister; someone to take care of, to love, to protect. lilith has failed.

it hurts her again and she keeps slipping into seeing the look of pure shock on roland’s face as he collapses, bullet hole straight through his chest, jack behind him. she imagines maya’s face with that same look of shock, troy’s hands around her throat. lilith wishes her hands were around his; or that it had been her there, not maya; or something, something,  _ something _ that hadn’t happened and won’t happen by her wishing,  _ dammit! _

she punches the wall one last time and hits, leaving her hand hurt and red.

_ youch! _ she yelps, rubbing her bruised fingers as she stands to leave her quarters. she knows she didn’t do maya justice fifteen minutes ago, knows she didn’t really remember her right. knows that the promise to “open the vaults” for her is bull, knows maya deserved--no,  _ deserves _ \--better, knows ava is right.

sanctuary iii shudders beneath her feet as they jump to eden-6. she waits for the vault hunters’ feet to finish tramping back down the hallway before she makes a break to tannis’s little shoe closet of a sleeping area, where she knows she’ll find ava, squawking indignantly and resisting tannis’s attempts to calm her down.

surprisingly, ava isn’t squawking, just crying. tannis is too, and lilith opens the door softly upon hearing the sobs. she sits down on ava’s other side on the little cot in the back.

_ she’s just... she’s just gone, _ says ava. 

lilith pets her back and takes her hand.

_ i know, killer, i know _ . 

she lets herself cry with ava and tannis, pulling ava into her lap and scooting closer to tannis. tannis’ hands stroke ava’s hair in a soothing, repetitive fashion. they don’t speak for a while, and ava nearly falls asleep there, cuddled into lilith and tannis.

eventually there is a ringing on lilith’s echo. it’s fl4k, calling from the surface of eden-6.

_ sorry, killers. i have to take this _ , lilith yawns and stretches, gently shifting ava into tannis’ lap. tannis looks up at her from where she’s leaned against the wall.

_ are we her... new mothers? _ tannis wonders idly, ignoring lilith as she leaves.  _ i could be a mother. to this child. yes, i could. _ then she takes stock of lilith’s face and says  _ this will turn out okay, firehawk. i will keep this thing safe. you have a job to do. _

_ love you, _ whispers lilith, and means it.

the door slides shut behind her.

  
  



End file.
